American trollop seeks flat

Wed, 09 Feb 2005
Subject: American trollop seks flat ...

I am in my new flat. (yay!) It is currently clean - 1/2 American clean, 1/2 Egyptian clean. That means that I, myself, have managed to clean half of it to my specifications, and I will get to the other half tomorrow. My bawab's wife, Umm Islam, cleaned it for me - the part I haven't gotten to is the part that is only Egyptian clean.

I laughed because Karen had told me that Egyptians use water to clean everything - water void of cleaning agents. They splash buckets of it up against the walls, she told me, then they squeege-ee everything out. Of course she was exaggerating, I thought, and laughed at her joke.

We stopped by my flat the afternoon it was supposed to be ready. We wanted to make certain we could bring my stuff over later that evening. We could see the door to the flat was open as we came up the stairs and there, in the middle of my living room floor, surrounded by all of my living room furniture is Umm Islam, standing in about 1/2 inch of water, using the squeege-ee to push it all around! We walked in the door, and smiling, moving to greet Umm Islam, but not moving my lips I say quietly to Karen, "I thought you were joking," and Karen says, through her smile and still lips, "Noo-oo, I wasn't ..."

The flat hunting process was ... interesting. We hired a semsarr - a real estate agent, of sorts. He was about a 100 years old, but pretty hot. I liked his Winter galabaya, brown wool - tres sexy! I had to fight to keep from fingering the material - that wouldn't have gone over well! I had decided between two areas - Manial, which is an Island in the middle of the Nile, centrally located and near Ahmed's flat, and Pyramid Gardens, near, of course! the Pyramids, where Karen lives. Karen pooh-poohed all of the flats in Manial, and Ahmed pooh-poohed all of the flats in Pyramid Gardens. It became a bit of a tug-of-war - I felt so popular! Pretty much everything I looked at was filthy, with even nastier furniture - stuff the Salvation Army would speed past. Bathrooms and kitchens were a big deal. Many of the stoves were either filthy or missing major parts - heating elements, oven doors, that sort of thing. Most water heaters hold about a gallon and a half of water. Generally the fridge is found in the living room. Bathrooms are just as bad. The standard shower stall is approximately 2' x 2', and the shower head is usually so gunked up that water only drips through. Sometimes there are tubs, and if you're really, really lucky you'll get a shower curtain. One bathroom didn't have either a shower pan or a tub; there was a bucket. I didn't choose that flat.

We spent seven days looking - 3 or 4 of those days we looked all day. The first flat that I liked was in Pyramid Gardens. We refer to it as the Cookie Park flat, because it's across the way from a little amusement park, that's seen better days, called - Cookie Park! The rent was outrageous - 2000 LE (approximately $344). But it was clean. I made an offer of 1200 LE, and we continued to look. I hesitantly considered the last flat I looked at in Manial - it wasn't perfect, but it wasn't bad, so we went to talk to the owner. She basically, and in a pretty direct way told Ahmed that they didn't want me because I'm a single woman, they wanted a nice family. Translation: I'm an American whore, and they didn't want me tainting their building. Ahmed lectured her, told her I wouldn't live in her building if she paid me - all of this was said in Arabic, and politely, of course, because it's the Egyptian way. And I, not understanding any of what was being said, just stood there nodding and smiling, and told her "shukran, shukran" (thank you, thank you) as we left. It wasn't until we got to the car that Ahmed and Karen told me what was said. I gave up on Manial at that point.

The second flat that I liked was in a building that we refer to as the Chicken Coop building. Karen knew a guy and his wife who lived in the studio on the roof (with an amazing view of the pyramids), and they always joked about it being like a chicken coop. I looked at it, as small as my place in Castro Valley is, this place was even smaller! I turned it down. There was however, a flat in the building that was going to be free, so I looked at it. It was amazing! Huge, clean - I mean clean in that I wouldn't have felt a need to scrub it myself from top to bottom, two bedrooms, living room, sitting room, kitchen, huge bath with tub and curtain and liner! massive water heater, satellite tv. We met with Madame Layla and her cranky old husband, Ali. Ali's second toes cross over his big toes, and he didn't like me. He glared at me through rhumy old eyes and demanded to know my nationality, my age, my marital status. He was concerned that I would bring men over. I had to assure him that I wouldn't. Then had to promise I wouldn't have any overnight guests at all. Then I tried not to laugh as Madame Layla nearly rolled her eyes at him. Then we left. I made an offer, and they accepted! I was thrilled, dancing down the street, everything was great. In Pyramid Gardens Medhat (Karen's bawab) acted as my semsarr, so all communication went through him as Karen and I stood out on the street. Madame Layla offered me the studio on the roof (Chicken Coop) until the flat was ready. The next morning I called her to arrange moving in - she speaks some English, (she rents mainly to foreigners.) Luckily for me she doesn't speak great English since I accidentally referred to the studio on the roof as the Chicken Coop ... oops! We made the arrangements. Then fifteen minutes later cranky old Ali called back and told Karen that I couldn't have the place. He made a stupid excuse, and that was that! Medhat went to talk to them, and we were back to me being a loose American woman (!)

In the meantime my offer at Cookie Park was countered, and I accepted - my bawab, Gamal, had held the place for me, kindly shooing away a couple of Germans who wanted to look at it, and who might have offered more! And so here I sit, on my living room couch - which is hard as a rock, apparently quite Egyptian - ornately carved and, lucky me!, newly upholstered. I have two couches and two chairs, an extremely ugly entertainment center with a television - satellite! Not much in English. There is a dining room with a table and six chairs, a kitchen with a fridge with a loud motor, which is thankfully in the kitchen! a gas stove that is nearly brand new, and lots of counter space. In the bath there is a tub - with a curtain and liner! two fully furnished bedrooms and from the "spare" room a view of one of the pyramids - I'm not sure which one - but it's one of the big ones. :) I have a laundry room with a washing machine, of sorts. It is a big tub, with a lid. I fill it with water, put in the soap and the clothes, then turn it on. It spins around, knotting all of the clothes together, then I use another hose to drain it, then begin the process over again in order to rinse things. I haven't used it yet, but it should be quite the adventure!

My first night here I chose to sleep with the blankets as they were left - supposedly clean - although the comforter is suspect. I put a thick blanket over the mattress as a cootie guard. I woke up the next morning free of any weird bites, and so all is good. Tomorrow I am going to finish cleaning, and Ahmed is coming to pick me up to take me shopping at Carrefore (some cool grocery downtown), to get food to put in my loud fridge. I hear Carrefore has good pizza.