yeah, yeah, I'm a laugh riot

March 29, 2005
Subject: yeah, yeah, I'm a laugh riot

Egypt is amused by me.

Okay, maybe not all of Egypt, but a good number of people here in Cairo/Giza think I'm pretty hilarious. And it's not because they think my jokes are funny. Remember, they don't speak English.

So why is everyone laughing? It's my Arabic. It's not very good. Granted I only started classes two weeks ago, and it's not as though Arabic is one of the romance languages where most of the foreign words share roots with English words, and adding an "ahh" or an "ayy" on the end of an English word will make it French or Italian. Nooo, the Arabic is completely foreign - well, except for some of the modern amenities - tel-a-vis-ee-un, com-bu-ter - they don't have "p's" or "v's" in Arabic, can't say them. Just like Westerners can't say the "kh" - that choking noise in the back of the throat, or the "H" sort of a whispery "h" - Karen always has to correct me when I say it, and it's murder when it's in the middle of a word! And the "ein" - I don't want to discuss the "ein," it gives me a bit of a headache!

We have two teachers in our class. Hibba, poor thing, she has incurred the wrath of the entire class by not being the warm-fuzzy sort. I don't actually feel sorry for her; she seems to particularly enjoy pointing out my errors, and forcing me to repeat words over and over until I get them right - yet the Germans are allowed to misprounounce all they want. Perhaps she thinks they are cuter than I am. I don't know. Sometimes I get a little pouty about this. And then there's Mohab. Mohab is a comic in his own right. His English is very American, and one day I will ask him where he studied. I was questioning him the other day about the word "asl" (because). I wasn't pronouncing it right - big surprise - and he repeated it, drawing it out - then he said, "you have a word in English like this - it's not a nice word, right? and he slaps himself on the rear," much to everyone's amusement. It's true, I'm not the only language comic in Egypt!

Not to be juvenile, but the word "foq" gives me the giggles, too. It means "above," and sometimes I have to use it when talking about my flat - I'm on the top floor. The bawab's kids use it a lot when they're offering to take my groceries up - "foq." It goes both ways though. I have to be careful not to say "ahaa!" (benign in English, here it functions as an expletive - the one that starts with an "f") Especially now that I am understanding some of what people are saying to me, "ahaa, now I understand what you're saying!" I'll slip up one day - don't worry, I'll tell you all about it ...

So one day, after my second or third Arabic class - the one where we learned to give directions - I got on the bus (jam packed, rush hour) to go home. I got the usual stares - Western woman on the bus? she must be in the wrong place! three or four guys are questioning me with these concerned looks on their faces - are you lost? where are you going? are you sure you don't want a cab? it's dark, the pyramids are closed ... (this is all very normal to me) ... and I smile, my new vocabulary at hand, speaking very slowly, because the sounds are so new to my mouth, and I'm still working out how to form them. I say, "mish haram, aye-aa-za share-a al areesh," (not the pyramids, I want al areesh street) then I smile, quite proud of myself. It was almost a complete sentence. Sort of. They all stared at me as though I'd burped up a purple frog. I tried repeating myself. Again, silence. I sighed heavily, "malish" (never mind) I waved my hand at the road ahead (just go), and again, "malish," and the whole front of the bus broke into raucous laughter. Great.

A few days after that I go to take my usual microbus into Ramses to go to school. Now you have to understand, the Ramses bus is either there shortly after I get to the stop, or I get tired of waiting for it and have to take the bus to Mosasa and transfer. (by the way, the term "bus stop" is pretty random here - "stop" means wherever I happen to "stop" on the road when I decide I'm ready to wave down a bus, and it's the same with getting off! One of the reasons I don't like the Mosasa bus is that it drops me at my exit - ON the freeway - of course, there are all kinds of people and donkeys on the freeway here, so I don't know why, exactly, I find my being dropped off there so bizarre, but I do!) So I get to my "stop" hoping to catch a bus to Ramses, and voila! there is a bus, just sitting there, I ask the guy, "Ram-sis?" "Ayywa," he says, "Ram-sis." "Maya-maya!" (excellent!) I say, and he and the row of people behind him start cracking up. I could hear them whispering to each other between fits of giggles, "maya-maya." Yes, yes, I'm amusing, I know.

I'm in the milk products store the other day, and am anxious to try out some of my new Arabic - these guys are used to me by now: my hand gestures and my notebook where I've written "zabaadi" (yogurt) and "ruz bi laban" (rice pudding), which I just call "ruz" because until last week I didn't know what the "bi laban" was, and couldn't say it right (Karen and her bloody British accent ;) - ruz bi laban - rice with milk - oh, duh). Feeling brave, because I'm in a place where I'm comfortable, I decide to try out some of my new vocabulary. Right away I inadvertantly wished the milk products guy a good morning (it was eight at night), he wished me a good evening - through his grin at my error. But he's cool, and I'm fine. The guy asks me (in English) how I'm doing (I know, from past experience, that this is pretty much the extent of his English speaking skills) I answer, in Arabic "quayese, owie, owie," (very good - literally: good, very, very). He smiles and asks me if I speak arabie now? And we have a little conversation where I tell him I'm learning, and he says that's great, and then I notice the other guy giggling as he bags my zabaadi and ruz. "What?" I ask, "is it my accent?" and the guy is trying not to laugh, which makes me laugh. And then he nods his head, and I blush self-consciously. This makes everyone laugh. But it is pretty funny.

And there are the "bad" words - you know, the ones you always learn first. I won't outline them here - mixed company and all - but I will note that I have a friend who's nickname I will no longer be able to use without a sly grin - you know who you are!

I have school again today, in a couple of hours. It's Mohab's turn to teach. Yesterday was Evil Hibba - although she was pleased that I caught a new word on the tape we were listening to, and so didn't spend so much time after that harrassing me. Soon I will head out the door, visualize a nice Ramses microbus waiting for me, and make my way into Mohandiseen. If I am early I will wander into a "mehal melabes" (clothing store) or two, and see what's on sale. There is a group of us going out Thursday night to a nightclub, and I'll get to wear something that doesn't cover 95% of my body. I'll also get to see the Saudis in action, which I hear is quite the show. I'll be sure to fill you all in. I'm looking forward to Mohab's class today - I'm interested to see what other dirty words he can point out to us!